Anxiety is like a tidal wave. It comes like rapids. Like the tides that suck in and out.
Lately my life seems to be controlled by the tidal wave of anxiety. One moment I feel ok. The next I am sinking fast into the mire of anxiety. Trapped. An internal rage, clinging to me like cling film. I want to scream but I cannot scream. I want to cry but I cannot cry. Instead irritability stares at me. Consumes me. Exhaustion corrupts my being. Shame lingers. Guilt fights. I can’t do this anymore. I want to give up. I want God to hear me. But he has gone silent.
I want to run. I want to hide. But where will I go? Who will hear me? Does anyone care? Does anyone see behind the deceptive smile – the brokenness. The pain. Broken trust. Shattered dreams. My 20s wasted. Who will pick me up – the broken little girl and hold me till I feel safe and secure? Who will tell me that it will be ok? Will it be ok? Or will this desperate anxiety cling onto me till I give in to the spirit of death that lingers above me like a rain cloud. I want to live and be normal. But I can’t do it anymore. I just cant.
Anxiety comes unexpectedly, silently, constricting me, raging inside of my being and I feel trapped. Stuck in a jar helpless. Hopeless. Lost. Confused. Shattered.I want to share but I don’t want to share. Because if I share I am a burden and people will wonder will she ever be ok ? At peace? Joyful? Or will she always be like this. Dragging. Draining. Lagging behind. Lost soul. Lost hope. This is who I am.