Today is a strange day. A very restless day. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. I can’t seem to focus. My mind is racing a hundred miles an hour. I almost wish that people would not see my potential and that they would give up in believing in me because that would make life easier. Would life be simpler without all these people who believe in me? Probably not. I would then be living an isolated and lonely life.
I have a whole range of emotions coursing through my body. Will I pass? Will I fail? I have been trying to study all day for my counselling exam, but ever since that mini fiasco before Christmas it has brought me under and I feel like maybe this is not where God is calling me. But I stay put. I carry on. If I quit, I would be running away, which would obviously be the easier option for me. I know deep within my heart that God has called me to be a counsellor. Yet today, things don’t seem to be on my side.
I want to be able to press a fast-forward button and get past this. I want to be able to see into my future but only God can see into my future. I want to be able to switch the thoughts off in my mind. I want to be able to say that I am not oversensitive. I want to be able to know how to deal with my emotions in a constructive way. I want to be able to be in control over them and not them over me. I want to be able to be relaxed, not tense. Today I am tense. Today I am a nervous ball of energy.
If people had not seen my potential three years ago, two years ago, one year ago life might have been easier. But I guess I would not have been satisfied. Now I am pursing a goal which seems impossible to reach. Now I am pursing a God-given passion. A willingness to follow the vision through, even though it is challenging. Even though today I just want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry. I am so tired of fighting all these emotions, and not always knowing how to deal with them.
I feel quite sad today. And I can’t honestly tell you why. I feel restless. And I need prayer. Prayer to get through this day in one piece. Please.