I don’t know how many more times I will be writing to you…. Or if there is any point in this exercise. At the moment I don’t see the point in it except maybe on some level I hope that you will read these letters and be moved by them?
It is September. The birth month of my son. I always find September a challenging month. In the run up to my son’s birthday, I always seem to go back into time where I get reminded of the memories before his birth and during his birth. It is that time of year where I am running on the treadmill of what ifs. If Sebby had not died, would I still be alone? Or would I have met someone who would be able to support me? I guess there is no point in thinking about these things. I can’t live my life with what if. It is a tyranny. I have to accept what has happened and move on. But it still hurts. The loss. The pain of not having my son here, truth be known. I always find I miss him more at this particular time of year. And not being busy or in a job isn’t helping the situation at the moment.
I started my counselling course three weeks ago. It is a very interesting course and challenging at times. But I think it is worth it. It gives me a deeper desire to help other people who are going through struggles. It gives me a hunger to show them that there is a way out of this darkness that can sometimes be so all-consuming. That there is hope even when it doesn’t feel like there is hope. If you know what I mean.
I went for a long walk today along the water-front. I love walking next to any type of water. It gives me peace to hear the waves crashing against the sea wall. It is always beautiful to see God’s creation. A masterpiece in itself. Always changing colours. Changing tides. Changing seasons. Yet stunningly beautiful. So I enjoy going out to walk. I think I would go out more if I had a purpose to my life. But right now I don’t feel like my life has any meaning or any purpose to it. After my son Sebastian died – I had a purpose to get up. I was living at my parents and I would take the dogs out. It helped having something to take care off. It helped put meaning to my life. Maybe I can get a dog? Who knows? I think it would help me.
The last months have been extremely challenging for me. Step-by-step I am coming out of this phase and I believe that soon I will have a job. Or at least that is what I am hoping for. We will see. Assumptions can be dangerous.
I have been praying for you lately, and wondering what you are up to. And hoping that you have peace with whatever you do. I am wondering what speaks to you? What moves you? For me listening to music moves me. It speaks to my heart a lot more than other stuff. Music is an important part of my life even if I don’t play it myself. I listen to it a lot. I always tell people of music that can bring hope to your spirit and draw you in the presence of the Lord. I try and support musical artists that are not well known as I believe they have as much to say if not more to say than the popular ones.
Well I am praying for you. Praying for myself and hoping that soon I will get a job. Once I get a job I will let you know!
May you be blessed until the next time we speak.