It’s that time of year again… the countdown to Christmas. The beginning of the end of another year without you… And yet oddly, you have been very much a part of this year. A huge part. A year that I will not forget. I have been able to share your story, my story, our story and my journey through the jungle of grief. So many people came to me afterwards and told me to keep sharing, to keep giving others hope, to keep encouraging others to walk this same dreadful road of deep grief. And I loved doing every part of that. It has healed me on a deeper level, and brought me closer to Father in many ways. I love serving Father, and living by faith rather than living with a constant fear.
I do miss you Sebby, more than you will ever know. The pain is still there at times, like the not knowing what your interests would be, what the sound of your voice would be like. Or how you would laugh. Or what you would look like. Would you be robust? Or would you be lean and tall? What would the colour of your eyes be? Would they be green like your mom’s and aunts? Or brown like your grandma and uncles? You would have been three and a half years old. Well nearly. I missed all those major milestones in your life… And I have accepted that as my reality. But it still hurts at times. I still long to hold you, and hug you, and rock you to sleep. I still long for your little face to nuzzle into my neck for comfort.
I know you will be doing Christmas with Father, Jesus, Micheline, Elouise and cousin David and your friend Toby and that you will be singing with the angels. The other week when I was in Czech Republic – I heard angels sing. I imagined that you were singing amongst them. I was looking at your picture – the thinking pose picture (it was taken from within my womb), and I could see a glimpse of who you would have been here on earth. I know you would have had an old soul, but you would have been a wise man. That is what I do know.
I wrote a book – it is a devotional book entitled:
100 Days through Grief Devotional
Hopefully it will impact many lives, especially of those that are grieving, or are lost in the daily struggle that is called life. Life after death. Life after loss. Life after a dream gone in disarray. Life, just the daily struggle of life. Life and the endless trials of life. And yet there can be so much joy in life. That is if we are open to receiving the joy from Father. Open to Father softening our hearts.
I am praying that this year Father will soften my heart towards Christmas. I have struggled with Christmas for the last years after you died. It is like I have lost the enjoyment of Christmas, and struggle through it each year, so I am praying daily for peace to flood my heart, for love to fill every corner of my heart, and for Father to soften my heart, because I want to experience that joy again. I want to be able to enjoy Christmas – because that is what you would want me to do.
I miss you dear boy. Life hasn’t been the same since you died, but I know it has been rewarding and challenging at the same time. And I learnt a lot. And experienced a lot of blessings from Father and for that I am thankful.
I just hope that whatever you are doing that you are OK and I look forward to meeting you one day. Pray for me sweet boy. Pray and ask Father to guide me. I long to be a mum. I used to deny myself that because I didn’t think I could be a mum, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mum, but the desire is still there. Help Father, help mum to pray for those things, and to give her peace, so that she can fulfil these desires one day. Nothing is impossible for Father. And I know everything will happen in his perfect timing.
I send you and your sisters and cousin lots of kisses to the stars, and hug you from afar. I will always love you guys.
Missing and loving you from afar.
Your loving Mama,