Hurting ↔ Restless

I don’t know whether to cry or to pace up and down till I feel my peace.  I am really struggling today.  I have been battling migraines every day since last week Monday. I am exhausted.  I am worn out.  I am tired.  I am weary.  I am broken.  I am hurting. I am restless.  I am a failure.  I failed Sebby.  I failed Elouise.  I failed Micheline.  I am walking on the edge of a cliff ready to fall.  I am falling, falling, falling.  Or I am drowning, drowning, drowning.  Not sure which one is worse.  But I just feel like I am losing the plot.  Like I am right on the edge and I can’t cope with the stress anymore!  I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to keep on going with life.  I can’t seem to figure out what my purpose is in life.   I feel like I am suffocating.  Like I am sinking in this quagmire of negative wasteland.  Ready to waste away.  Ready to decompose.  I feel like I have become a nobody in such a short space of time.  I feel so worthless.  Like I am not worthy of being love.  Like I don’t deserve to be loved.   Like everything is my fault.  Like I am losing hope. Like I am losing this battle between what God wants me to do and what the devil is trying to get me to do.  Insecurities that plague my soul.

The storm of migraines are bombarding my very being.  They come and wreak havoc in my life and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in a body that doesn’t seem to be able to function properly. I am desperately alone.  I can’t feel God’s love for me. I can’t seem to hear his voice anymore.  I am living on the edge.  Ready to jump at any sign of trouble.  I feel like I am a disappointment to the world, to my parents. But most of all I feel like I am disappointing Sebby.  Like I have failed him.  Like I can’t even keep my head above water.  I feel like I have disappointed God. I know I am a sinner, and I just want to be set free from all this pain. All this heartache that seems to be suffocating me.  I want to be set free from all the insecurities are plaguing me.  That are making me feel completely worthless.

I don’t know how to go on.  I don’t know how to keep moving forward.  I am just in this war zone where artillery fire is being fired in all directions, seemingly hitting me on every spot as my body struggles against the demons that seem to hit every second of my life.  I don’t know how to go on.  I give up.  I feel completely useless.  Inadequate. Incompetent.  Ineffective. Hopeless. Incapable. Imperfect.   I just want to be told that everything will be OK in the end.  That everything will fall into place, and that I can feel God’s peace once more transcend in my life.  I feel like I am wasting away in this pool of mud and no-one notices me.  No-one cares.  I am all alone. I am floating away with the debris of issues that erupt in the stillness of the peace that I worked so hard towards.  How do I keep going on?

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